I have a lot of friends who were born to be parents. I always admired how they radiate love and compassion and parenting came naturally to them. I wish I could say the same for me, but I can admit that my first year of motherhood was more like I was “learning on the job.”
I struggled with antepartum while I was pregnant with my daughter, which played a huge part in my disconnect to Motherhood those first few months after she was born. I remember hoping and praying that the moment she was born all my anxiety, sadness, and emptiness would just go away. And it did, she was so perfect; to this day I call her my saving grace. God literally gave me the easiest, sweetest, and loving baby. She never cried, consistently slept through the night, and always woke up smiling. But, even though I was the luckiest mom with this perfect baby I was struggling to fully grasp Motherhood. There was no doubt that I loved my daughter, I was just doubting my ability to be a good mother. (I’ll save my journey with antepartum depression for another blog post!)
Soon enough things started getting better; I began to embrace my role as a mother. I would always wonder if had “mom instincts” or when would I know it’s actually working. So, I’ll never forget that defining moment when I knew for a fact my maternal instincts had kicked in.
“maternal instincts is the idea that there is an innate knowledge and set of caregiving behaviors that are an automatic part of becoming and being a mother.”
Last summer, I woke up in the middle of the night to my first “something’s not right” feeling. I turn over and Lana was crying in her sleep. But it was a different cry, not the bad dream cry but the cry when something hurts. My husband turns on the light and she is curled in a ball holding her stomach. We slowly woke her up to ask her what was bothering her. She was pointing to a certain spot on her stomach and kept asking us for a band aid.
My first thought was appendicitis! I didn’t waste any time, I started packing our stuff and told my husband to ask if his parents to pick up our son. We were out of the house and on the way to the ER in 10 minutes. If you know me, you know I take forever to get ready and always the last one out of the house.
While we were sitting in the waiting room I was replaying the past few days in my head, trying to recall if there was any indication she was sick, wondering did I miss something?
Earlier that day Lana was her normal self; no fever, eating was normal and she was in a playful mood. But I do remember, her saying her tummy hurt a little from time to time and I also realized she didn’t have a dirty diaper for almost 2 days
Within an hour, her symptoms were progressively getting worse. Her skin was starting to turn yellow & she was throwing up bile. It was around 2 am and had to wait till 6 am to start testing. It was a long night, my husband and I couldn’t sleep and we would take turns holding Lana to comfort her and rock her to sleep. She would doze in and out of sleep, then her pain would come in waves. She would wake up in intense pain, toss and turn, throw up bile - this would go on for 15 minutes. Then she would fall asleep for 15 mins, wake up and do it all over again.
Those 4 hours of waiting for her testing was painful. Everyone knows I easily cry about anything, but the one time in my life I had every reason to cry, I held it all in to be strong for her. She would be crying “Mama, it hurts mama.” and I would just hold her tighter and remind her everything is going to be ok and she is brave and strong. Holding her while she was tossing in pain was heartbreaking, it was the first time I desperately wanted to take away someone else’s pain and I would’ve taken her place.
Jey and I were running on no sleep and covered in vomit. Lana was given medicine and was able to sleep while we waited for more testing. Jey encouraged me to get some fresh air & run home to get us some clothes while we waited for the next test. As soon as I left her room and turned the corner I just immediately started bawling, all that I was holding in to be strong for Lana just came out and a nurse saw me, helped me up, and hugged me. She reassured me that everything was going to be ok and she can tell I was a good mom.
Lots of Children have abdominal pain due to constipation, so the nurse who admitted us underestimated her pain saying, “oh it’s just gas". It made me feel like I was overreacting. But My mama instincts really kicked in that day. I asked questions before every test and pushed back when I didn’t fully understand. I didn't care if someone thought I wasn't overreacting because I know my child best & I listened to that inner voice that was telling me to speak up for her.
After multiple tests, an x-ray, ultrasound & catheter she was diagnosed with intussusception. It’s a rare but treatable condition when part of the intestines retracts into itself (like a telescope). It causes a blockage that stops food from being digested and passing through the intestine. Thankfully it's treatable. She had an Enema procedure done, which is done by placing a small tube through the child’s rectum and pushes air or saline through to push the intestine back its normal position. We were transferred to a children's hospital for the procedure and for her to recover. While she was recovering they were monitoring her that she didn’t have a fever or any infection, she was able to eat without vomiting & for her bowel movements to pass normally.
intussusception
in·tus·sus·cep·tion | noun
“Intussusception is a serious problem in the intestine. It occurs when one part of the intestine slides inside another part. The intestine then folds into itself like a telescope. This creates a blockage or obstruction. It stops food that is being digested from passing through the intestine.” Stanford Children's Health - Lucile Packard Children's Hospital Stanford
Testing
blood test - which ruled out it wasn’t appendicitis.
X-Ray of her abdomen which confirmed there was a blockage in her intestine
Ultrasound - this was the test that confirmed she had intussusception and not appendicitis. From the ultrasound, they can see her intestine was telescoping into itself which created a blockage. The blockage stopped food that is being digested from passing through the intestine.
Urine Test using a catheter
Symptoms
Sudden loud crying
sudden severe belly pain
Vomiting
Bloody stool
Red, jelly-like stool
Fever
Extreme tiredness or lethargy
Vomiting bile
Diarrhea
Sweating
Dehydration
Swollen belly
Treatment
“In many cases, the healthcare provider can correct the problem by giving an air enema or saline enema. This is done by placing a small tube in your child’s rectum. The healthcare provider uses ultrasound or X-rays (fluoroscope) to help place the tube. Air is inserted in the tube. The air may help move the intestine back into its normal position.”
My mama instincts really kicked in that day. I asked so many questions before every test and pushed back when I didn’t fully understand. I didn't care if someone thought I wasn't overreacting because I know my child best & I listened to that inner voice that was telling me to speak up for her. It was truly an experience I'll never forget. 🖤 J