From birth to probably well into their teen years, kids cry for reasons unknown. I remember being a first-time mom and getting full anxiety attacks at the mere thought of having to drive with my newborn by myself. “Shit, what if he cries while I’m on the freeway!?”.
It was c r i p p l i n g. I shared these thoughts and feelings with another mom (a veteran mom), and she offered me invaluable advice that I still use to this day. She told me to take a deep breath and go through this list in my mind:
Are they are changed?
Are they fed?
Are they safe?
Are they warm?
If you’ve answered yes to all of the above, and baby is still crying. It’s okay. Babies cry. That’s just what they do. You’ve met all of their immediate needs, and now they just need to let out whatever emotion they’re feeling. All you can do is reassure them that you are there for them.
As your babies evolve, so will their problems. They might be crying because one of their immediate needs aren’t being met and they still can’t explain that to you. Go through the list.
Or, they might be crying for no apparent reason.
Hell, sometimes I cry for no apparent reason. Seriously. Just the other night, I was taking a shower and I just started to cry. When my husband asked me what was wrong, all I could gather was that I was feeling overwhelmed. I just needed to let it all out before I could compose myself again. My husband stayed with me, gave me a big hug, and just let my cry.
Imagine though if he rolled his eyes. Imagine if he asked me why I was crying in a very aggressive manner, or worse, told me to stop crying. I’m a goddamn adult (I think), and I would not have handled any of those responses well if that was my husband’s approach. I needed his compassion and willingness to just be there as I figured out what the hell was going on with me.
When it comes to our littles, it is so easy to get exasperated because—let’s be real—they cry ALL THE TIME and over every little thing. I am totally guilty of getting annoyed too easily, and I admit that I’ve said, “that’s not something to cry about” more times than I should have. As an adult, we view their issues as such small problems that they probably shouldn’t even be a problem at all. But in their little worlds and their little hearts, it completely is. I don’t think any child cries with the intention of getting mommy or daddy mad.
her safe space
I read somewhere that if a child cries with you/for you, it’s a good sign. They feel safe enough with you to let their true emotions out. Honestly, I’d rather my kid cry to me that I gave them a yellow cup versus a red cup, rather than a kid who’s scared shitless to tell me that they preferred a different color. I’ll be damned if I raise someone that internalizes feelings, just like past generations. We should know by now how that affects individuals in the future. This is why toxic masculinity exists, or why some have trouble speaking up for themselves.
It’s our job to respect and validate their feelings no matter how trivial their problems may seem to us. It’s completely our job to help them navigate through these big feelings now, so that they can solve their problems independently and become more resilient in the future.
So as our little ones start to cry over another little problem, breathe.
Breathe, and remember:
They are fed.
They are changed.
They are safe.
They are warm.
They just need to cry.
You got this, mama. Now, let’s figure out how to help these little ones handle their little problems like a boss.